a bit more.

I've been a little absent from the blog.  I know.  There's been a lot going on in our lives.  I wanted to give you all a little update on our journey (back story here and here).  Our 2nd IVF was not successful.  I'm realizing now that I may have not even said we were going to do a second round.  We did.  We started ALL over again.  More drugs, another egg retrieval, another round with our hearts on the line.  And this time, none of our fertilized embryos even made it to transfer day.  We found out the first week of July.  It was a hard thing to hear.  But here we are.  I've had some time to process all of this and am coming out on the other side feeling ok.  I'm not going to sugar coat this, I am STILL sad.  Sometimes I just try to appear to everyone else that all of this is not hurting me.  That I am "totally fine".  That I know "everything is going to be great and work out".  But you know what, sometimes I don't feel that way.  And I think that it is ok.  It's all part of the process.  We are looking into other options (so many wonderful and amazing options that are out there for us, that I feel so incredibly lucky to have), but it still hurts.  It hurts beyond belief to come to terms with the fact that I will probably never carry my own child.  I am slowly and surely letting go of the fact that I will probably never experience pregnancy.  And you know what, most times I am ok with it.  Most times, all I think about is...I want to be a mom and I want G to be a dad.  And whatever way that happens for us, I know we will be beyond thrilled.  But I think it is ok to mourn what we thought this journey was going to look like.  I think it's important for me to acknowledge it here.  I also want to acknowledge all of the amazing support that we have had throughout this process.  Our family, friends, and even people we barely know, have reached out to us...and I must say that it means so very much to us.  We will get there.  We know it.  We will one day have our happy little family.   

{photo by me}

not just another friday.

A happy friday to all of you!  I guess I just wanted to take some time to share a bit.  Our vacation to Palm Springs was much needed.  We found out a few weeks ago that our first attempt at IVF did not work (after all of this).  It was heartbreaking to say the least.  That's actually the exact wording I used when a friend asked me how I was doing after our long struggle with infertility, my eventual pregnancy...then miscarriage...and our first failed IVF...I said to her "I just feel heartbroken".  So we decided that we needed some time away.  It was so amazing and so needed.  To heal our bodies and our hearts.  And now we start over.  A little hard to explain, but basically, not only did our first attempt at IVF not work, but we also have NO frozen embryos to work with.  ugh!  A very complicated and long story...the bottomline is we must start with more shots, another egg retrieval, etc.  It's been a long process, but I'm ok and ready to dive in head first again.  We will get there.  I just know it.  

And as my husband always says, "everything is going to be ok".  I wanted to post this to not only give an update but also to say a big huge thanks to all our family, friends, and readers.  It's been a long 3 years filled with a lot of heartbreak, but also a journey filled with a lot of smiles.  You have all been there for us throughout all of this and one cannot express in words how much that means.  I just wanted to say thanks for hanging in there with me. Thank you for the kind words. Thank you for letting me be honest!  Just a big huge thank you!  I wasn't sure if I'd ever share this part of our lives on this blog, but once I did, it really helped me feel a whole lot better!  So thank you for letting me be me.   For letting me be vulnerable and for being so supportive.  It means the world to G and me.


Today marks three years of marriage (and 13 years together...wowza)!  I seriously can't believe I ended up with this guy.  It's hard for me to write in words how very much he means to me.  The last three years have brought some rough times our way, but also some of the most incredibly amazing times of our lives.  He is beloved by all, especially my family who is constantly talking about how sweet and wonderful he is (uhhhhhh hello, I used to be the nice one in my family, but apparently that title now lies with my hubby).  G, love you, love your show!

{pic by Melissa Diep, more from our wedding day on SMP}

10 things.

A few weeks ago I was tagged via instagram to list 5 things about me that you might not know.  I thought it was so much fun that I wanted to list the 5 items here and add 5 more.  Enjoy getting to know me a bit more.

the original 5:

{1} I'm naturally blonde.

{2} I used to swim competitively.

{3} I honestly really love cold weather.

{4} I met my husband when we were only 18.

{5} The only food I dislike (but everyone else seems to love) is steamed artichokes.

and 5 more:

{6} I am very close with my family.  I talk to at least one of them (mom, dad, sister, and brother) every day.

{7} I have zero sleeping problems (I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow and rarely wake up at night). I had no idea how rare this was until I was an adult and met many friends with sleeping issues. 

{8} When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up and be a dolphin trainer.

{9} I love watching Law & Order.

{10} I've always dreamed of going to Africa.